OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
