her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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