is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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