WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
