I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
