i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
