Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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