your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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