I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
