i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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