I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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