i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Randomize
