i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
