Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
