I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
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She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
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I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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