I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
