i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm just crazy horny about you
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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