I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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