how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
