what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
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