whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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