I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
