they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
