I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
