I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Floor bacon is actually really good
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
