Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
