question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
