He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
