why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
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Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
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I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It's shark week go big or go home
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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