mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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