Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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