I like my sex mixed with concussions.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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