Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Randomize
