it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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