I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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