She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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