when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
