i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
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