i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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