I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
