She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
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Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
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Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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