they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
