I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
