My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
