My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
