I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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