"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
