I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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