the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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