and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
