they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
