so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Let's get the cat blown out
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
