the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
