I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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