I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
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My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
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I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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