i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
